The conversation that never actually took place, has been replayed in my mind a thousand times. Each time we say different things to each other. It never ends well for me. Each time, you let me know – either by keeping silent or by using only a few words – that you do not feel the same about me as I feel about you. That you never have, and that our day and night in Kuşadası was just that to you; a day and a night in Kuşadası. Each time I walk away in silence, tears running down my face. I cannot bare to look you in the eye, to make you see how hurt I am. It’s not that I am scared to be vulnerable in front of you, on the contrary. If there is anybody in the world that I feel comfortable bearing my soul to, it is you. I don’t want you to see my pain, because I don’t think it’s fair to you. It’s like by showing you how incredibly hurt I am by your rejection, it feels like I am blaming you. It feels like my tears are silently screaming at you, look, this is how much I care, and you still don’t care about me? You can’t make people love you, there is no magic potion or a formula for that. I could never blame you for not caring, for not feeling the same way about me as I feel about you. So I look away.
The conversations in my mind are there for several reasons. First, because we hardly have any real conversations anymore. When we speak, it’s because I’ve mentioned something about reading a piece on your blog, or something else that directly relates to you. It’s never about me. It’s never personal anymore. So due to the lack of actual contact, I imagine what you would say if you were responding personally. Second, I have too much imagination. The absence of real conversations now is filled in with words based on how I think you’ll react, based on what we’ve talked about before. I know you. I know which words you use. I know which words to use to trigger a certain reaction from you. And when you do react that way, I really have to force myself not to say “I knew you’d say that”, because I know it will have the opposite effect on you. Either you’ll think I’m just saying it to exaggerate, or you’ll be freaked out by the fact that I know you so well. Third, everything in my life reminds me of you. When I lay awake in bed at night, or in the morning, or even when I’m awake, period, I think about you. Even after 10 months, it is something that I can’t help. Everything I see or do somehow relates to things we’ve experienced together, things we’ve talked about, listened to, done, visited. I am waiting for the day that I forget to remember you with everything I do, but it just won’t seem to come. Without trying, you end up in every conversation I have. Whether it’s when I’m talking about the art of negotiation (nargile), my thesis (Turkey), writing (…), or when I’m talking about my plans to visit my brother after I graduate.. Whether I mention you specifically or you’re just there in my head.. None of it makes sense without you.
None of the conversations in my head end well for me. I don’t know whether that is because my subconscious mind already knows a truth my conscious mind is not ready to accept yet. It might be a way to slowly prepare myself for rejection in the case we were to meet again. It might be a way to slowly start dealing with the grief of never ever being together with you.
I’ve asked you straight up what I mean to you. I have given you the blunt opportunity to reject me, to tell me to stop sending you messages. I’ve pretty much told you how I feel about you, that I miss you, that it broke my heart that you went back to the States before we got a chance to see each other, and that it broke my heart that I had to hear it from Deniz. Each of those times, you had the chance to say, yeah, well suck it up, I don’t feel the same about you, just drop it – but you didn’t. You could just not say anything back at all, ever, but you still do respond. Even if it’s after a week, you still reply. You haven’t blocked me. We don’t talk much, but we don’t NOT talk. You’ve had every chance to let me down gently, because after all, if you don’t care about me, what does it matter if you hurt my feelings, right? You are there, and I am here, so it’s only easier to reject, right? But still, you don’t. I have had one night stands way closer to home that are much more blunt about it, and just ignore me.
My friends now really do think I am crazy, that I should just let go. They are scared to say so, I can tell, because each time I try to explain, I am so convinced that we just never got our second date, we never got the chance to either close off or continue what we have in person. They look at me wearily. I am so convinced we just need to see each other in person again, before I can remotely try to let go of my feelings for you, that my friends don’t dare tell me to my face that I should let go. It’s like they know they won’t convince me anyway, or they are scared to kill the hope in me. I can tell they are biting their tongues, using anecdotes or personal experiences to demonstrate what it should be like, how a girl deserves to be treated by a guy. I see all that; I know what they are trying to do, and I love them for looking out for me, but I’m a big girl. I am stubborn, and I know that what I feel for you is worth the pain for now.
I do believe we deserve a second chance. Looking back on everything in my life, on every time I’ve fallen in love, I realize that it was never meant to be easy. I mean, the falling part is easy. Falling in love with you was the easiest, most careless and most sensible thing I’ve experienced in my life. Being part of the wedding of two loved ones put me in a such a state of happiness, surrounded by love and joy, relaxation, that falling for the right guy was the only option. You are connected to both the groom and the bride, so you were meant to be there. I was meant to be there, too. I was meant to fall in love with you, and I still believe the opposite is also true. That part was easy. As for the rest.. it’s not meant to be easy, or obvious. I think life is all about being presented with chances, opportunities for happiness, and it is up to us to decide how we respond to those chances. Knowing which option is right is one thing, but pursuing that option successfully is a whole different challenge. There’s the distance, sure, but we both agree that for love this is not an issue. We both agree that for love, moving to the other side of the world could never be a sacrifice, but a way to be with the one you love – which is a victory in itself. We both know that we are some of the few really rare, good ones – we stand out from the crowd. You fear the good ones will end up alone, you see it around you, but I promise you, if we good people stick together, we will never be alone. You also know this, although you might be hesitant to admit it out loud. Your writing says enough – you have hope, too.
On the other hand, it could be a way to test myself, to test my feelings for you. Each time one of these conversations plays out in my mind, I can’t help but cry. I am reminded of the intensity, of how deep you are inside of me, how much of you is integrated in me. When I imagine that being taken away, it’s like a part of me is taken away, irreparably ripped. It will never be a clean amputation that can heal, or be restored even. It like tissue torn irregularly, too damaged to be reattached. It’s like you filled up a hole inside of my heart that I didn’t know was there, and the thought of you being taken from me permanently, physically hurts the place where my heart is supposed to be. In a way, these sad conversations in my mind remind me of the strength of the connection I feel between us, and give me the strength to hold on, to not give up on us. It gives me the patience to wait until I graduate, to visit my brother in Florida, and take the same road trip you took before I even knew you were going to take it, too. It gives me the perseverance I need to be able to give us the second chance we deserve.
Have I considered the possibility of this second date being absolutely terrible? Of course. It is a possibility that you will still not love me if we meet again. I might change my mind about you, fall out of love at second sight. Have I thought of the possibility of never being together with the one I consider my soul mate? Yes, I have. Life can be hard, love can be hard, and sometimes, people that fit perfectly just don’t end up together due to all sorts of stupid reasons. But for now, before that second date happens, I just won’t settle for the worst option. I will not say something is broken, if the on-button has never been pressed yet. I won’t say the plane will crash if it never left the airport yet. I will not say I’ve failed before we’ve really tried.
If you find the one, that person that is just as crazy, random, unique as you, you hold on. You wait, and you serve your time. I will wait, and save money, and fly to the States and drive to you. I’d be crazy not to.