A dream within a dream.

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A soft tick sounded against the nose of my glittering shoe. I looked down, and saw my purple ballpoint laying on the dark green carpet of our hotel room. “How did you get there?” I mumbled to myself, as I reached to pick it up. This pen is not one I want to lose, for it is the one I used to write in the black book. As I stuff the pen somewhere inside my dress (why do these things never have any pockets?!), I look around the room. There is luggage spread everywhere, and by the looks of it, the housekeeping lady decided to skip our room for the day. She must have thought we were on a romantic trip or something and decided not to disturb. Usually I always cover the bed in the morning, but I guess I was too preoccupied this morning.

It was dark, inside and out. The hotel was located near the ocean-side on the beautiful Turkish coast, and although the hotel had been built only a few years prior, the power failure in the neighborhood had affected us also. It was fine though, this way we were able to appreciate the starry sky and full moon better. My phone rang. “That must be J”, I thought, while I reached for the device.”Hey babe, I have to leave early. See you”. “No, wait! Don’t hang up!” I panicked. There’s no way I could survive him leaving for the States again without saying goodbye. “Wait, no, don’t just go, meet me at the room!” “I… can’t, there’s not much time. Besides, I’m not worth the goodbye anyway…” “Dammit J, don’t do this to me. You are worth it, because I will miss you and you owe it to me and to yourself to see me before you go. Where are you now, I’ll run to meet you there…” The door of the room slammed shut behind me, as I darted through the corridor. At the pool, I heard him say right before I stuffed the phone into its old location again.

The metal rod that secured the carpet on the staircase nearly made me trip, as I flung myself over the edge of the first step. The elevator wasn’t an option; that thing had worked maybe once during our stay. and took forever to go from one floor to another. The building was deserted, and the air breathed desolation, like the hallways of a retirement home for the elderly. Strange, I thought, but decided that there wasn’t much time to think it over. I was rushing to J. “Where are you? DON’T LEAVE! I’M ALMOST THERE!!!” I cried desperately. “Just hurry…” he said with a sad tone in his voice.

I ran as fast as my high heels could carry me without falling flat on my face. I reached the lobby. The full moon entered through the grand glass doors of the front entrance and was reflected by the shiny marble floor. The cleaning lady smiled when she saw me, greeting me by lifting her mop slightly from the floor. She tried to warn me in Turkish that the floor was wet, and although I think I understood was she was saying, my brain took a little too long to actually register. My feet were already sliding from underneath me, unable to maintain grip on the slippery floor. As if it were in slow motion, I saw what was about to happen flash before my eyes. Teeth cracking, limbs twisting in unnatural positions and loud thuds upon landing. But none of that happened. Miraculously enough, I managed to grab a hold of the nearest sofa. Crisis avoided. Looking around to see if J had maybe decided to wait in the lobby instead, I ran further.

Dammit, J, why are you doing this? shot through my mind. What could be more important than our trip? What could be more important than us? I know you’re struggling, but that’s okay. I’m not going anywhere, I’m not running away just because you think you’re a mess. You’re not a mess and you never will be. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes… When I reached the pool, I tried scanning the area in the light of the moon. The electricity hadn’t been restored yet. With trembling fingers I retrieved my phone from my dress again. He should have been here by now, so I started to panic. C’mon, pick up, pick up, pick up! “Hi, this is JB, you’ve reached my voicemail. Leave your name and number and I’ll try to call you back, thank you. Chears!” &^%$. This time I didn’t bother putting it back and started running towards our room again. Some of his clothes that we hastily removed last night were still on the floor beside the bed. He must have gone up to the room to collect them. Insecurity and desperation grabbed me by the throat. Tears were stinging in my eyes, waiting to come out. No, not yet – there’s still hope, I thought as I tried to swallow them down. I’ll just have to run a little faster…

A star shot across the sky, cheering me on to run even faster. The hotel grounds were still deserted, and for several minutes the only sound came from my heels hitting the floor. It was like Hermes himself had lent me his golden wings, aware of the precarity of the situation. This time I noticed the ‘dikkat’-sign in time to slow down across the wet floor. I jumped towards the stairs, skipping the first 3 steps in the process. At each landing I looked across down the corridors on each side, thinking that J had maybe hid in a corner somewhere. No J though, there was nobody. The depressing atmosphere still hung in the darkness. When I finally reached the fourth floor heavily breathing, I paused. Around the corner, I could see that the door to our room was ajar. Housekeeping was nowhere around. Suddenly, I was afraid of whom I might find inside. Of course, I wanted to see J, hold him, never let him go, but I wasn’t sure what mood he would be in. He had sounded strange in the phone, distant. Depressed. But knowing him, he didn’t want to worry me so he tried covering it up with a joke. This never fooled me though, I knew him too well for that. Then it hit me, a deja vu of how I had been standing in that exact spot, thinking about that exact moment. Like a premonition of that moment in the moment itself. It confused me even more.

A gush of wind opened the door a little further, and I slowly went inside. His clothes were still on the bed and the tv was switched on. Images of the violent conflict at the Turkish-Syrian border soundlessly entered the room. The breeze that had opened the door came through the balcony doors and made the curtains flow towards me. How the tv was working was a miracle, since the whole area was still pitch black. A vague silhouette was visible through the thin fabric of the curtains. “J, is that you?” My voice trembled, almost broke from the pressing tears. “Yeah, I’m out here. Look at all those stars, and the moon. Look at how bright and beautiful they are!” I was now close enough to wrap my arms around him from behind. I let my head rest against his scapula. The warmth of skin emanated through his jersey, calming me instantly. Feeling him close was reassuring. My grip tightened as he grabbed my hand in front of his belly. “I guess sometimes you have to be surrounded by complete darkness to be able to see the beauty that is beneath the surface,” he said as he slowly turned around to kiss me. “Thank you for confirming my sanity.”

*I had this dream in the night from 11-11-14 to 12-11-14, waking me up at 3:17*

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