I’m done.

close eyeReally, I’m done. For real this time. I know, I’ve been saying it over and over, and I’ve failed just as many times. This time though, I’ve got the solution – this time I know how I can really stick to this promise to myself. In the past, I’ve been trying not to feel anything, trying to close myself off from falling in love. The problem with that is that it only works for a little while. It’s like…. looking at the sun. When it’s shining bright, you can either close your eyes tightly, keeping the sun out of your eyes. This way, it can’t burn your retinas, but you won’t see anything from the world around you. Your eyes become used to the darkness of your closed eyelids, your pupils dilate.. But once you open your eyes even the slightest bit, you get blinded by the brightness of the sun. Alternatively, you could put on some sunglasses so you can keep your eyes open, and keep looking at the world around you but still protect your eyes from all the distracting brightness.

I could ignore all guys, ignore all that is going around me, closing my eyes so tightly that at some point, when I peek just a little, there is this one special guy standing there and blinding me. I could also just keep my eyes open, let all impressions and interactions enter my eyes, but not do anything with those impressions. A couple of days ago I came across one of those wisdoms that you can find on a tile in a public restroom. You know, corny, but true non the less. This particular one said: “you may be able to close your eyes for the things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart for the things you don’t want to feel”. I’ve realized how true that is, and how I can use it to my advantage. I won’t close my eyes to the things I don’t want to see, because I’ll still know they’re there. I can’t close my heart to the things I don’t want to feel, because, knowing myself a little by now, I’ll feel them anyway. But, and here comes the trick; I CAN control whether or not I act upon those feelings. I can’t control not feeling, but I can NOT go on dates, not send messages, not flirt (other than just being sociable), not ask people out. I could try and just let feelings come and go, and not do anything about them, just let them pass by.

It will be extremely hard at first, that’s for sure. But it’s the only way I can remotely try to guarantee to remain sane at least a little while longer. I am tired of hoping for people to put as much effort into me as I put into them. I am tired of trying to act cool, tired of playing along with anyone else’s dating games. I am tired of trying to make those that I like see how happy we could be, how reasonable I can be, how much endless love I have in me. Maybe this will also turn out to be a futile effort, who knows. Maybe, in a couple of months, I’ll realize that this strategy, too, is against my nature, against who I naturally am. Who knows.

But it might just work out.

Anyone with a better idea is more than welcome to share.

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