Conversations with myself

adventuresL: “You’ve got something I need, in this world full of people, there’s one killing me.. And if I only die once, I want to die with you. If I only live once, I wanna live with you…!” This OneRepublic song keeps playing in my head, I think you should listen to it.

-silence-

J: What does it mean though?

L: It means that I, despite all my desperate efforts to build the biggest, highest, thickest wall around my heart that I could think of to keep me from breaking it again, you shuffled the ground from underneath my feet. I fell for you so hard that after spending only 38 hours in each other’s presence and exchanging approximately 44.000 words and 220 photos in whatsapp messages I feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But after such a flying start you now don’t even have the decency to respond to anything at all anymore and I don’t understand why.

J: Maybe there is just nothing to understand?

L: What do you mean, there’s nothing to understand?

J: Maybe you are imagining things, putting meaning in my words, meaning in my silences that aren’t even there.

L: Huh?

J: Look, I already told you I was having friends over for their annual vacation. The reason I am not saying anything to anyone on whatsapp is because I am spending my days sleeping in after nights of drinking and partying with my friends. I don’t like being stuck to my phone when I have friends over.

L: I get that. I also have times where I am completely immersed in the company of others, and where I don’t immediately respond to things that demand my attention on my phone. But when I do register the fact that someone is trying to get in touch with me, when I have a moment to myself again, when taking a dump, for example, I take advantage of that opportunity to get back to that person. Not only do I think it’s a decent thing to do, but I care about people, you know? I care enough about people to let them know that I have seen, read or done something with their message.

J: Sometimes I just forget.

L: Bullshit.

J: What do you mean, bullshit?

L: Just the way I put it. I think it’s bullshit when you say you’re not glued to your phone because you are. You keep coming online, and that doesn’t happen when you’re just checking the time. I can tell when you come online, when you go offline. I send you a message. You come back online, and go off again. I send another message. You come online again, read it, and go off again.

J: Wow, are you watching that? That’s why Turkish girls are crazy, they check things like this.

L: No. Yeah, I am, testing a theory. I’m trying to figure out why you don’t deign my messages to you worthy of an answer. I’m not a Turkish girl. I’m just a girl. And I do get why some girls might seem crazy to you. It’s because you are this wonderful, charming guy. Smart, funny, a great writer, and good looking too. You lure women in, probably without even knowing it. You make them fall for you with your carefree attitude, your deepness and the mystery and promises of stuff you’ll talk about when you meet again. But then, the amount of contact you have at first switches to being the same amount of silence without a single notice. I have to admit, it drives me crazy to see that I have all these things I want to tell you about, all these things in my life that I want to share with you, but you just don’t seem to care anymore.

J: Hold on, I already told you I have friends over, I’m just busy.

L: That’s just an excuse, and you know it. I think you are trying to protect yourself from getting close to anyone. You pride yourself on having this random adventurous dual-nationality life – that you love to travel and don’t want to settle into any pattern of life that society wants you to settle into. You’re scared of being stuck in one place, not knowing whether you’ll be around all the other places and people in the world that you also love. You are keeping people at a distance, trying not to get to know them too well, because if you do, there will be all the more people you love to leave behind when you pack up and travel again. You don’t want to get too attached to people, because it will hurt all the more to be away from them. You are closing yourself off from me, because you felt it too, that day. You’re just scared to feel the pain of not being together with the people you love, so you just try your best not to love them.

J: That’s just ridiculous…

L: I’ll tell you why I am right, and how I know you know I’m right too. I’m curious about who you are, what keeps you busy, how you have become the person that you are, what your life was like until we met, how it has been after. Each time I ask you anything about yourself, you either say we’ll talk about it in person, or you give vague, superficial answers. You never ask me the same things back.

J: That’s just because I do think it’s better to talk about personal stuff in person. I want to see people’s reactions. You know this about me.

L: Yeah, but at the same time, while you say you want to talk about these things in person; you don’t put any effort into making any real plans with me. Or at least, it’s not showing.

J: I don’t know my schedule, c’mon!

L: Then figure it out. You have no job, no real responsibilities that you talk about. When I want to see the people I care about, I’ll make it happen. I plan things. Or be honest and tell me you’re just saying all these things to not piss me off.

J: I just wanna hang out, that’s all.

L: So do I, but I am actually trying to make that happen, you know? I need something to look forward to. I have these tying-down things to consider; jobs, my education, an apartment, and friends that are all getting ready to settle into things in life, in relationships et cetera, while I have this desire in me to travel, and it’s growing each day. Yet this year, I know it’s going to be tough, busy and a lot of hard work with probably little travelling. I need to know when I am going to see you again so I have I point of light along the unlit highway of next year.

J: You’re putting way too much thought into this. I just wanna have fun.

L: Maybe I am putting way to much thought into this. Maybe I am giving you way too much power over my emotions, over my feelings for you and over my heart. Probably. But unlike you, I am not scared of feeling. I am not scared of letting people in, even though I know it means feeling heartbroken to be away from the people I love. I wouldn’t even know how to “not feel”. Like I said, I tried to build a wall around my heart – just like you – to close myself off from getting hurt over and over. But then you came along, and my efforts turn out to be useless, futile and wasted once again. The wall turned out to be a gate of which only you have the key. Please. Just let me inside your wall too. Let someone really in for once. I promise, I can make you happy. You can make me happy. We deserve it, we’re good people.

J: Wowowowow, that sounds like way too much, way too soon!

L: I know, and it freaks me out too, don’t you get it? I have all these crazy, insanely intense feelings without even knowing how this all will play out… I have no clue what the future will be like. I do however know I am willing to try. I am willing to risk falling. What’s the worst that could happen? Hitting the ground? Probably. Getting hurt? Definitely. But think about this; what is the best that could happen?

J: I bet you’re going to tell me now…?

L: What about happiness?

J: What about it?

L: What about happiness in love?

J: What about love?

L: Yeah, what about love?

J: I like love.

L: I love love, it’s the only reason I ever do anything in life. Or at least, I try to do anything, everything out of love. Experiencing love is the best feeling in the world. If not for love, what is there to live for in life, ya know?

J: True, very, very little.

L: Exactly! See? You don’t have a heart made of stone, you just have it walled by stone. But listen, there is still hope for you, because if you -after all the heartbreak, and setbacks, and letdowns, and rejections, are able to recognize that love is the most important thing to live for… That’s something, that’s something big. Even Pandora (she who has been gifted everything) after releasing all the evils and malices from her jar, had one thing left. Hope. You, with all your gifts and talents and adventures, after having endured so much hurt and randomness still have one thing left. Hope. You may not be able to see it right now. You may not agree with me. You may just want to press reset, come back as a cat, and not have to worry about how it will all turn out. You may want to want to tell me to shut the hell up, and that’s all fine.

J: I want to believe you, I feel like I have to, but I’m not sure I can anymore. Not after what I’ve been through in this world.

L: It’s okay, don’t worry. I understand. These are the things in life that you can’t just take for granted and do, just because someone tells you they’re true. You have to feel it from within, experience it, live it as your own truth instead of just repeating someone else’s. You are the writer of your own narrative, just like I am the writer of mine.

J: Good thing we both like to write, huh?

L: Yeah, you’d say that makes things a little easier, right? At least for me, writing things down in my black book DOES make thing easier. It helps me tell my story of how much I love you, and how much potential I see in us. How much happiness and love we can create and share. And hopefully, maybe, it can help you somehow to see how I see you. Not what I expect from you in return for the love I want to give you. I don’t want anything in return “just because you have to”. I don’t want to expect anything; I just see the beautiful soul that you are, that is waiting to remember itself, who you are. That’s what I’m writing down.

J: That sounds like a book I’d like to read…

L: Maybe, just maybe, I’ll let you read it someday.

J: What makes you doubt it?

L: Because I’m scared shitless. I have written all these things, all these personal, deep, inner feelings that I doubt I’ll ever be able to explain to anyone, ever. I’ve written them down mostly to clear my own head, but also to remember them for what they were in the moment I felt them. Letting someone else gain access to my insides… is scary as fuck. Especially if the one person gaining access, is the one that all these feelings are about. If someone doesn’t like your writing, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a bad writer, but just that the one reading it doesn’t feel what you were feeling when you wrote it. This is not all that bad, in general. But you see, since this whole book is about you, about how I feel for you, I’m scared that once you read it, you’ll laugh at me. I’m scared that I experienced our night and day and night together and everything that followed in a much stronger, more intense way than you.

J: What would be so bad about that? Why do you want me, need me to feel the same about it so badly?

L: Good question.

J: I like critical questions; it’s what I liked best in my best students when I taught in university.

L: You would have loved me as a student, then. That sounds illegal, somehow, haha. Whatever. The answer is this: I need you to feel that same way about our night as I feel about our night, because I have this silly thing where I believe in destiny, in kismet, in past lives. The way I look at the world, how everything happens in patterns, how there is math in everything around us… it’s the existence of patterns wherein lie the exceptions to those patterns.

J: I’m not sure how this has to do with why you need me to love you.

L: Wait, I’m getting to that. I just need to explain this before I explain the other. I believe that souls, all souls on earth come from this great pool of soul, of pure love before all life on earth existed. Then, at some point, something happened that caused all beings, human, plant, animal, to come into existence. All these beings with a consciousness (for now, animals and humans, as far as we know) are gifted with a soul, a part of this grand pool of love. Math and all its patterns, makes up for a lot of very pretty things we can perceive in the world around us, like the coil of a shell, the rings on a tree, the pattern of petals on a rose. Or take measurements of the body, how your feet are the length of your underarm, and the circumference of your fist. Meeting people, experiencing love for people in your proximity, ties you to them in a certain way – almost like it reminds you of the feeling of the pure LOVE we all were when we still existed as this big pool of love in the pre-life. So, to have certain loved ones in a particular lifetime, reminds you – brings you closer to the pure essence of life, which – I think – is love.

J: Make your point…

L: Yeah, yeah, I’m getting there, hang on. So during life, experiencing love brings you closer to Divine Love, LOVE with capitals, if you will. Then, when you die, your soul returns to that big pool of LOVE, with a little bit of extra love imprinted on it. I think your souls ‘remembers’ which other souls have made it feel some of that LOVE during life on earth. Your soul remembers which other loving souls it has met before. It’s like… In a way it’s my way of explaining déjà vu’s, I guess. I think it’s improbable that you have actually physically been through the same experience before, simply because each time you start life on earth you are born inside a different body with different genetic information (or at least, that’s what we perceive it to be). So physically, you cannot experience the exact same life twice in a row. But when it comes down to the soul… That’s a different story.

J: You’ve definitely piqued my interest, keep going. Please.

L: As far as souls go… I think the soul, upon returning to earth after spending some time in the afterlife contemplating the life that has passed, will spend a lifetime trying to reconnect with the souls that have made them feel love before. It’s natural to want a good feeling to last. So when your soul is in the physical circumstances where it meets with other souls that it has met in a different lifetime, it remembers. THIS is what I think Déjà vu’s are about. It’s not about the physical reliving of a certain situation; it’s about remembering the LOVE you shared with another soul. And here comes my point: when we were together at Melissa’s house, watching the sunset at the pebble beach, I had this major déjà vu. Actually, it wasn’t just at the house, it was the whole day, but the feeling was particularly strong when we were watching that sunset. Anyway, it’s because of the way I look at déjà vu’s, the way I look at life, reincarnation, souls and eternal love in combination with the sensation I had when we were together that made me realize then, and that makes me realize still, that we have met before. We have experienced love before. We have had LOVE together before.

J: I don’t even know what to say right now.

L: I understand. I know it’s a lot to take in.

J: It’s not that. I get what you’re saying from start to finish. So far, you have explained why you feel so strongly connected to me, but not exactly why it matters so much that I love you in this lifetime.

L: Easy. I want that again.

J: Why can’t we make new memories with other souls?

L: I suppose we could.

J: Wouldn’t that take a whole lot of pressure away for a lot of people? Of us?

L: Of course. It would mean that you have more than a few people, souls, wandering the earth to live a happy life with.

J: Then why is it so important for me to love you back?

L: Because, let’s be honest, it’s a lot easier to continue where you have left off. It’s a lot easier to continue drawing a beautiful painting from a sketch that is already there, then to have to start all over again. Besides, it’s easier to show others what Devine Love is like, if you’ve already discovered part of the puzzle. I mean, isn’t that why we actually came on earth, to discover how to bring this LOVE into practice in a physical world, with physical distractions? Aren’t we supposed to just remember how to love in a world where the absence of love also exists? Aren’t we supposed to learn how to LOVE from those who already kind of, a little, know how to love? Aren’t we supposed to spread that what we have already felt before?

J: You make it sound like we are supposed to like each other because we used to in a previous life. Not because of the people we are now.

L: Don’t you get it? You ARE the person you are now because you have lived before. We are who we are now, in our souls, because we have loved each other before. It’s the physical world, the way we grow up, that distracts us from what we are meant to do.

J: You really give a lot of credit to this destiny thing, don’t you?

L: I suppose so, yeah.

J: Well, I think the good ones are destined to end up alone. Us good people end up alone.

L: Why would you say that?

J: If I look at all my ex-girlfriends.. They are all smart, beautiful, fun (I mean, they liked me), and non of them have boyfriends. I’m beginning to think it’s because they’re good people. Good people like you and I are generally intelligent, and care more for others than themselves. They are more attuned to the world, so to speak. And they want a person that is like them, someone that doesn’t dissappoint them like the rest of the world does. And finding those matches… is really difficult.

L: Difficult, yeah, but not impossible. I mean, you have been in relationships with these girls, so that must mean that you have met some of the good ones. Why did these relationships end anyway?

J: Because I was never in one place :(

L: Well, why should that be a problem?

J: Because you can’t build a relationship!

L: Depends on whether she goes with you…

J: You can’t ask that of someone, it isn’t fair.

L: Yeah, but what if she wants to travel too? It wouldn’t be asking, it would be having the same interest.

J: Most people have jobs. You can’t ask of an American girl to move to Turkey, That’s a huge risk for them.

L: True, but who says it has to be an American girl? And if love is deep enough… I mean, I’d move anywhere for the right one, without even thinking. I mean, fuck it, I’d find a job at a restaurant, and just write about everything and make photo’s… As long as you can be with love.

J: That’s my thought process. Not everyone else’s.

L: Well, I guess we agree on a lot of things then ;)

J: Of course we do, good people generally agree!

L: Not necessarily, but I agree with you on this one. You know I am talking about you right? You know that you are that right one I would travel the world for. I’ll go anywhere you go, whether your dream house is a double white trailer sittin’ back in the holler on a country road, then that’s where we’ll go. If you don’t want to settle down, we can bounce around from town to town, that’s fine with me. Really, I’ve been in so many different places that I’ll be able to make any place my home. You know me, you know I can see the positive side to any situation. I don’t care where I live in the world, as long as it’s with you. So when do we leave? ;)

J: Some people are more attached to the idea of being in a relationship than to the the actual person.

L: True, but I am definitely not one of them. I’ve never even been in a relationship longer than 3 months, and that was when I was 16.

J: Yeah, because you’re always looking for more and expecting more from people, for you settling on one person and their faults doesn’t make sense.

L: Yeah, but why do you think that is? I definitely am not the one to settle into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. I go all in for the person, or I don’t go in at all. Like you said, I can’t just halfheartedly settle for someone, but that doesn’t mean I consider almost everyone as settling. I have been in love many times, even to the point where I spent years being someone’s friend, knowing and loving all their quirks and ‘flaws’ and not caring about any irritations. My feelings were just never reciprocated. So don’t tell me I can’t accept someone’s flaws. (When) In love, there is no such thing as flaws. The other person is perfect as he or she is, as long as they are Who They Want To Be. For me, things in which I differ from the other, are opportunities to practice patience, or to view the world from a different angle. If you disagree with me on anything, please, tell me. Please, tell me when I’m full of shit, or when I fail to remember how I really want to be. Please tell me so I can remember. It’s not that I expect more of people, it’s that I know what people are capable of. I know that the human soul is capable of so much love that the only way to explain it is by simply experiencing it. The soul’s sole purpose is to experience – to experience love, first and foremost. What I see is the possibility of other souls to experience and share this love, but unfortunately, most people will in fact interpret this as having high expectations. People will see this absolute positive image I know to be true, but are unable to also know the truth in this image. They will believe the image of them is too good to be true, and thus fear that they can never live up to this high image, this high esteem I have of others. Failing to remembering the truth I already know to be true, translates to a fear of failing to meet up to unrealistic expectations. Which then, yes, results in rejecting me before a relationship even gets the chance to develop.

J: So if I get this straight, you think you’ve never been in a relationship because you loved them too much?

L: That’s…. an interesting way of putting it. I believe there is no such thing as “too much love”. Either you love unconditionally, completely, and wholeheartedly – love in its purest form – or you love based on certain conditions, for the sake of not being alone, or out of fear. I do however think, that not every one is able to distinguish between these two types yet. Not every soul has remembered Who They Are yet, and what the main purpose is, which thus leaves the possibility for them to not recognize a good thing when it’s standing in front of them.

J: And you are saying you have remembered? That your soul does know love when it’s standing right in front of them?

L: Well.. I’m definitely not saying I’m perfect. There are certainly moments in my life that I have gone with an option that wasn’t purely chosen based on love. People have been in love with me, without me being able to return those feelings. By no means do I want to make it sound like it’s all just a mental, spiritual thing, that material or physical circumstances don’t play any role any more. At least, to me, they still do. But I mean, c’mon, sex wasn’t created just for procreation. It’s fun, it feels good, and if you’re going to love someone, you might as well be interested in making love to them too. Sex should be exciting, a turn-on, and it should be enjoyed. That excitement doesn’t just happen with anybody, unfortunately. I must admit that yes, biological factors like pheromones and phenotype still play a part in who I’m attracted to. But come on, I can’t have babies with every man on the world anyway, so I might as well go for the one I feel sexually attracted to too, aside from the love.

J: Sure, I can agree with that. As for being perfect, those boobs of yours are perfection, and I know perfection when I see it. Just like this jersey you got me, it’s perfect, one of the best presents I have ever gotten!

L: Well, I’m glad you like it, because the best thing is still here, that got delayed..

J: Obviously the best thing is still there, it being you haha ;)

L: I don’t even know how to respond. What does that even mean?

J: What do you think it means?

L: I thínk it means that you are trying to say that people are always better company than things? What I hópe it means, is that, despite the stone you claim you heart is made of or is brick-walled with, the love you have in your heart and soul is trying to shine through. It might be shyly, in small amounts, but I hope that these little comments you make now and then, is actually your guard slowly coming down for me. I hope that you think I’m the best thing that could have happened to you, that hás happened to you. I hope it’s you knowing that I expect nothing, but know everything good and loving there is to know about you. I hópe it’s you saying that you know I know you, see through all the fears and insecurities you carry inside, and that I love you nevertheless.

J: I’m not even sure I know the answer myself.

L: That’s okay. As long as you know that I love you, and that I am here. You’ve never actually said no, so I hold on to love. You’ve never actually said you don’t love me. If you didn’t, what would have stopped you from breaking my heart? When I realize someone loves me, and I can’t reciprocate, I try to be as honest and gentle about it as possible. I’ll try not to hurt their feelings more than already happens by rejecting them in the first place, but I’ll be clear nevertheless. If you don’t care about me, why wouldn’t you just remove the elephant from the room and put a needle to my bubble? Why would you want to keep talking to me? Why wouldn’t you just break all the ties? We aren’t on Facebook, so no need in deleting me there. Phone numbers can be ignored or blocked. I can be blocked from your blog. If you don’t care about me, why not just set me free?

J: Maybe because you’re still a good person regardless of my heart of stone, and I don’t want to hurt a good person? You’re one of the few that recognizes the good person in me. Maybe I don’t want to hurt you because we both know Nick and Elif? Maybe I just want to keep the peace, avoid conflicts? Or maybe you are right, maybe I don’t want to let you go because deep down I also know what you know. Maybe I’m just scared to admit it now. Maybe I first want to get over feeling like a mess, like a loser, before I think I am worthy of your love? Maybe I want to fix my life, love myself again, before I can love you? Before I can let you love me?

L: But then.. this is exactly how it’s supposed to be. I make you want to be the better person you know you are. You want to remember your soul’s sole purpose, Be Who You Are, too. Then time doesn’t matter at all anymore. You WILL be you, because you know you want to remember. But you know what, I am patient. I will give you the space you need to fully realize yourself. Hours, days, weeks, months mean nothing compared to an eternity of soulful, pure Love. Just.. please remember not to be so hard on yourself in the process. Words go a long way, especially if they are uttered in judgement against your own soul. So please, love yourself as much as I already do.

 

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