If I have to live once, …

I must have gone completely mental. How is this possible? How can anyone fall so deep, hard, crazy, stupid in love after spending just what… 36 hours in each other’s presence? How can these 36 hours be of such great significance that all I ever do since then is think about you? It’s not just the 36 hours. It’s the messages that followed, the pictures you sent me. Your voice, your laugh, your eyes. The messages between the lines.

What I thought was love before, was one long string of maybe’s. If I only die once, I want to die with you. If I only live once, I want to live with you. But if I do, then don’t be surprised if I get greedy. I don’t want to live and die with you just once, I want to live and die each and every one of my lives here on earth with you. I’m the one you’re not looking for. Not because I’m not right, but because you’re scared to look. You seem to have this notion that you don’t deserve to find love, or at least you think it’s not possible to find love and stay true to your own nature. You think you are doomed to stay alone forever, because it seems impossible to commit to a person and stay free. I’m here to tell you, to scream at you, to scream at the world that you are wrong. I’m that person you are looking for, the one you want. I’m the one you need. I am scared shitless to settle into what society expects me to settle into, too. I’m scared shitless to get tied down and never go to the places I want to go to, too. I am just like you, only you are the (pessimistic) realist, and I am the idealist. Epic, free love is possible, and I will prove it.

My dad had this girlfriend once (well, technically he was with her before and after he met my mom, but I wasn’t born yet the first time around, so for this sentence that doesnt matter) who was also a traveller. She could never be in the same place for long; she would work for 6 months, live like a hermit and save as much as she could to go off on the next trip again. I was a lot younger than I am now, when she and my dad were together, so I don’t know the organizational details of how she planned it all, but I never had the impression it was impossible to find a place to live for those periods when she wasn’t travelling. It always seemed to work out to find work again. In the end, it didn’t work out between her and my dad, but that wasn’t for the travelling. It wasn’t the fact even that my dad had us, and his job and a bunch of responsibilities in one single place. He loved her enough to let her go and fly out at the moment she needed to. Heck, when she went to South America to travel around for several months, he went with her for one month. To be honest, she wasn’t really the smartest person, and I have quarreled with her on occasion over stupid stuff because I felt she didn’t understand the point I was trying to bring across. In the end, I think the reason it didn’t work out was because they weren’t at the same level mentally. She sometimes had these weird moments where she just ended up acting crazy and irrational (which is also why I sometimes clashed with her, at random she could just explode). What I’m trying to say is, falling in love doesn’t mean the end of travelling. Travelling doens’t mean the end of love. Of longlasting love. It doesn’t mean that marriage is not possible.

Yes, I know. Your parents are from different worlds. Your mom being Turkish, your father American. I don’t know the story, but she went to the States, right? She followed love. She came back to Turkey each summer with you, it’s the reason you even speak Turkish. It’s probably (one of) the reason(s) why you feel so connected to the country. And yes, I know, your parents split up.  I get that this might seem like a proof that international love is doomed to fail.

Hey John, I get it. My parents are divorced too, and they’re not even from different countries. It has nothing to do with the travelling. It has nothing to do with settling down. It has to do with two people that stop fighting for the love they once felt so deeply for each other. People stop remembering what it is that drew them together in the first place. They let their differences get in the way of the commons. People start being mean to each other for no good reason. People throw away what’s broken way to soon these days, in stead of trying to fix it. I’m a great fixer.

Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game! It sounds like you’re not even willing to try, because you’re either scared you’ll be tied down, or you’ll hurt someone. Or someone will hurt you. I am convinced that the key to it all is that fear makes you hold on to things, and love makes you let go when needed. I solemnly swear to love you untill the day I die and beyond. I vow to not keep you from travelling, hell, I’m going with you! I don’t want to be tied down to one place for too long. I want random adventures, too. I want to be free, too. We’ll be poor, broke maybe, but we’ll be the happiest people in the world, because we’ll have each other. We’ll work temp jobs to get by. We’ll sell our stories, our pictures, our skills all over the place. Fakir ama gururlu, right? Well, I’ll add one to that. Fakir ama mutlu olacağız. We will be free and random and adventurous together.

We’ll have sex on the Transsiberian express. We’ll take a boat from Vladivostok to Japan. We’ll go to an AS Roma – Lazio derby. I’ll be the tanslator, you’ll be the protector, just like we said. We’ll go to Tierra del Fuego, to Easter Island, to Antarctica. We’ll go see the Aaurea Borealis. We’ll drive a stickshift car, and ride on trains, on boats, on planes. We’ll go by foot. By bikes. We will visit friends and family and we’ll make new friends and new family. We’ll have stories to tell to everyone we love, we’ll have stories to tell each other. We’ll make memories together, and be happy we made them together.

It’s possible, it really is. Don’t be the tortured soul, the writer that dwells on the scary parts of life. Don’t shut chances out just because you can’t see the end of the tunnel. I don’t know where life will take me either, but I don’t care. Don’t miss out on great things because you’re scared you’ll miss mediocre things. Don’t let me miss out on this chance at true love because you’re scared to take the plunge. Don’t say it’s a blessing AND a curse. See it as a blessing. Travelling has made you who you are, has made me who I am. Travelling has made you this person, that I know and and feel I love with every cell in my body and soul. You are present in every bone, at every nerve ending, in every shiver I feel. You’re in every person I see in the streets. You’re my once in a lifetime. Fly with me.

Friends look a me like I’m crazy, like I’ve lost my mind. Maybe I have. Maybe they’re right, maybe it was just the fact that we met at a wedding, a celebration of love, that made me fall in love with you. That I could have fallen in love with anyone, because I had fallen in love with the moment. Maybe, maybe not. If not at a wedding, on a holiday, being completely at ease, relaxed, being the best version of yourself. What better place is there to fall in love? It could not have been anyone. It had to be you.

C’mon, take this chance with me. You’ll never know if you don’t try. C’mon.

Come with me.

Say yes.

Just say yes.

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