Living My Own Truth.

1heart-and-brain“‘What do you think?’ shouted Razumihin, louder than ever, ‘you think I am attacking them for talking nonsense? Not a bit! I like them to talk nonsense. That’s man’s one privilege over all creation. Through error you come to the truth! I am a man because I err! You never reach any truth without making fourteen mistakes and very likely a hundred and fourteen. And a fine thing, too, in its way; but we can’t even make mistakes on our own account! Talk nonsense, but talk your own nonsense, and I’ll kiss you for it. To go wrong in one’s own way is better than to go right in someone else’s. In the first case you are a man, in the second you’re no better than a bird. Truth won’t escape you, but life can be cramped. There have been examples. And what are we doing now? In science, development, thought, invention, ideals, aims, liberalism, judgment, experience and everything, everything, everything, we are still in the preparatory class at school. We prefer to live on other people’s ideas, it’s what we are used to! Am I right, am I right?’ cried Razumihin, pressing and shaking the two ladies’ hands.” – Crime and Punishment, by Dostoyevski.

For the last couple of days, weeks even, I’ve had some time to think. Classes ended at the end of May, and work has been low key (too low key, if you ask me). My mind has had a little more time to think, tha last few weeks. My mind cannot handle idleness very well, so I seek ways to keep it busy. Writing in my linen-covered book helps only a little bit because although writing helps me to clear my head, the subject of my little black book is exactly what I’m trying not to think about.

Maybe I should listen to my friends, and forget it. Maybe I should move on with my life and not worry about what might have been, about what could be anymore. Maybe that would make me happier. They are probably right.

On the other hand, I agree with Rhazumihin. To go wrong in one’s own way is better than to go right in someone else’s. I’d rather err on my own for a hundred and fourteen times, than live someone else’s successes. I’d rather talk my own nonsenses wholeheartedly, than talk someones senses halfheartedly. I rather live my own truth.

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